So much to think about, so little brain power

There is so much going on in my life right now, and yet it seems sometimes like my life is going nowhere. As of right now, my youngest daughter is away for I don't know how long, my eldest daughter is living with her dad for October so I'm completely alone in the house, I'm trying to take 2 online 8 week courses - one in Speech and one in Drama - and get A's in both, I'm trying to find a job, trying to figure out how to move on with my emotions and stop dwelling on the past, trying to get ready for a 5 day trip to the Canadian Rockies, trying to figure out what my best friend is doing going off to Iraq to meet a guy she met on an internet dating site, trying to get involved in some kind of sport, trying to get myself to the gym and eat healthier and trying to meet new people since I only have like two friends in Dallas that I do anything with. Oh yeah, and since K & T are both not here right now, I'm also trying to clean to holy living heck out of my house so it is easier to maintain when they're both back at home. And trying to ignore my ex's repeated requests to sell the house so he can pay off his bills.

I'm working on a plan, really I am. I can't do anything about T being gone, or K being at her dad's this month. I'm doing the reading for Drama, and Speech doesn't start until next Monday. I'm on Monster and Careerbuilder every day, trying to use connections at LinkedIn to see if anyone I know is hiring and I'm getting ready to re-write my resume into a couple of different specialized ones. The trip to Canada is to allow myself some time alone away from this house we used to share, to do some soul-searching and trying to come to terms with what the future holds for me without him. I can't control my friend or what she does, but I am worried she is going to lose herself in this guy; she is not even divorced yet, has a lot of the same issues as I do and should not, IMHO, be running into a new relationship. But I can't control her and I won't try. All I can do is be here for her no matter what happens. A good online friend is going to send me some of her recipes when she has time, I'm going to the gym later today to make sure my membership is still valid and I'll go again to work out tomorrow. I've signed up for indoor volleyball and kickball, but it looks like the kickball league may not make. I'm going to attend DivorceCare and Nar-Anon meetings starting next week, and I'm going to start back to the church T and I were attending last summer - both to help me with things emotionally and to meet new people. I'm going to tackle one room per day in the house until it is spotless, I just need to start. And screw David; my bills are ok for now even without working and he can figure out some other way to pay off his bills - he can short-sell his house for all I care. I will NOT sell this house - my daughters grew up here and it is the only home either of them has any memory of. I will not sell this house until they are both off to college.

I am not sure when I became such a quote fanatic, but I am always looking for quotes that mean something to me. I put one in a letter I wrote to T this morning that I hope will help her. And I'm going to put one at the end of this post too. Then, starting tomorrow I'm going to use my blog as a true online journal, and combine it with my affirmation book and use the daily affirmation or the quote from that book as a topic for my post.

Here is today's affirmation: I let myself know who I am.

I think that is exactly what I am doing on a daily basis with all the work I am doing, physically, mentally and spiritually. So that's all I'm going to say on that today!

Patience is wearing thin...

I 'get' that I won't be given any more than I can handle, but I am not kidding here - I can't take much more.

Divorce, sadness, a little bitterness, and a fresh outlook on life.

So one of my good online friends is very sad today. It would have been her 15th wedding anniversary had her STBXH not moved out in May 2007. Well, they are still not divorced, so I guess technically it still is her anniversary. She's at work, very sad but not crying. Methinks she would not be as sad today if things had not gone to hell in a handbasket with a good friend of hers that she was trying to pursue a relationship with. If that was working out, she would probably not miss her ex and what they had as much. My heart breaks for her because I know how difficult this all is for her.

In my own experience, I totally understand where she is at. Although surprisingly, last November on what would have been my 18th anniversary I was not as sad as I had expected to be. Sure, there were tears, but not many. And then I went out to dinner with a really good friend for great food, great wine and incredible company. Sadly, that friend and I parted ways soon after. This Saturday marks XH's 40th birthday and one year since our divorce was final. The few friends I have are rallying and we are looking forward to doing some fun stuff - but I'm not sure how much I need it. I am very sad about missing his 40th birthday. For his 30th, I threw him a great big surprise party and invited a ton of people and had a photographer and really tried to make it special. I don't know what he is doing this year, but probably not what I had planned - and that is where the bitterness lies. I had so many plans for our life together and they are all so much rubbish now. I won't ever celebrate his birthday with him again and that does make me sad. All the milestones left in his life that I thought I would share - well, someone else gets to share those with him now. And I don't dislike her, on the contrary, she seemed very nice the couple of times I have met her. And my girls like her, and she seems to make him very happy. And that is SO what I want for him. He totally deserves all the happiness in the world - as do I. I was thinking a little this morning about how different all our lives would have been if I had been able to pull the trigger 13 years ago and divorce him when I first found out he had cheated. That was when the marriage truly ended - not a year ago.

However true it is that hindsight is 20/20, I'm sick of looking backwards. It doesn't matter what might have been, because it wasn't. The only truth I have is what is in front of me. And I've made some choices that are going to drastically affect my future and I'm ok with whatever the outcome of those choices. In fact, I welcome the outcome. It's about time in my life that I start looking forward instead of backward. I have lived for so long with 'if only' and 'what if I'd...' and I can't stand it anymore. It. Does. Not. Matter. The art of forgiveness lies in realizing that the past couldn't have been any different. Dr Phil said that on an Oprah show many, many years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I hope that someday I'm able to forgive myself and David for what we did to each other and to our children by allowing that sham of a marriage to continue for as long as we did. There were a lot of wasted years, and I need to make up for them with myself. Got a lot of work to do, but it's going to be a good time and all the mistakes I make are going to be mine and I will own them. That's kind of a nice feeling.

What if it all goes right - Melissa Lawson

What if that road that you're taking's a dead end
What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
what if that limb breaks you're climbing out on
yeah, what if it all goes wrong

But, what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
what if that love ends up lasting a life time
what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
what if this time nothing goes wrong

what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

what if you climb to the mountain top
and touch the sky
grab a cloud as it passes by
you might fall you might fall
but then again you might fly

what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

More random quotes that gave me pause for thought...

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how…We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. (Done!)

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor (wo)man perfected without trials.

Don't fall before you're pushed.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.

The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.

Wow. Just wow.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail here on this very public blog, but wow. Some people absolutely astonish me with the way they think. Or don't think. Depending on how you look at it. For someone who is a Libra, and prides themselves on always seeing both sides of the situation...wow. Just WOW.

What a difference a day makes

I haven't really blogged about it here, but things have been getting progressively worse at my job, probably since about March. Once A found out she was pregnant, M started really getting on me since he knew she would be gone in June or July. After she left in June it really got bad. He thinks I am not 'here' and that is why things have been falling through the cracks. The reality is that I'm so overworked and overextended (I've been putting in 60-70 hours a week) that I can't think straight, and that is why things have been falling through the cracks. I knew that A & M had a weird, dysfuctional relationship and that they fought like brother and sister, and that he rode her hard and sometimes was just flat out cruel to her. What I didn't know was that would be unleashed on me as soon as she left. When she left I suddenly went from being someone he was proud of, who did a great job, to someone who couldn't do anything right and was constantly f*cking up. The truth is that I didn't change at all - his expectations and my work load changed. It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I approached M about being considered to take A's place if she didn't come back from her maternity leave. I thought I was well positioned to do it as I have been with the company for over a year, had a good feel for how things worked in our branch and had been filling in for her for nearly two months. What a shock it was to me when I told no f'ing way would he consider me because I had NO IDEA what it was to do her job. And I was also told that it wasn't his job to mentor and prepare me to take over her job - it was straight up my job to ask the right questions and get the answers I needed. Ok. So then I tried to go back to just doing my job, but again, so stressed out my hair was coming out in the shower and things were indeed falling through the cracks. Some little things, some important things. He and I had it out about two weeks ago and he finally told me that's it - I'm going to start writing you up for everything you screw up. So I started looking for another job because I knew I had done everything I could to please him and there was just nothing I could do right at this point.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. There is a leak in my front bathroom and it is spraying water all over I call the plumber and text M to tell him I'll be in as soon as it is cleared up. When I get to work (in reality only 5 minutes later than scheduled) the door has not even closed behind me when he starts in on me. And I just can't take anymore. I tried; I went into my office and did my best to do the work I needed to get done, but I heard him on the phone telling people how badly I had screwed everything up and how all kinds of stuff was my fault - stuff I don't have anything to do with. So I typed up my two weeks' notice and handed it to him. He looked at it, said I've never tried to talk anyone out of this in 10 years, but are you sure this is what you want? I said, no, it isn't what I want, but I feel like I've been backed into a corner by you and the way you treat me and I can't take anymore. So he starts in on how I screw everything up again, and I'm looking at him like really? What's the point - I just told you I was quitting. So he finally says ok I'm going to demote you and take away all your duties except for payroll. I was like whatever - make it effective now. He says you realize then you won't be eligible for re-hire? I'm like wow - who cares? I don't want to work for you anymore, and frankly I don't want to work for any company that allows you to continue to run people off the way you do - I'm done. And I went to my office and packed my things and left.

And now I'm scared spitless about how I'm going to pay my bills, what I'm going to do about health insurance, and a thousand other things. But I'm also so completely at peace I can't explain it. And it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it also feels like such the right move.

When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered.

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words.

The past is finished. There is nothing to be gained by going over it. Whatever it gave us in the experiences it brought us was something we had to know.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Having no friends really sucks.

It totally sucks to not have any friends. Every time I think I've found a friend, something gets in the way - usually me in one way or another. The most recent thing, I thought I'd met someone who could become a really, really good friend in someone who works for me. Wrong. The moment I tried to help her out by giving her a heads' up about something, she turned on me. Sigh.

I spent so many years of my life worrying only about David and our girls, I've totally lost the ability to be a friend. I have lots of 'acquaintances', but when you're going through the kind of stuff I am going through in my life right now, an acquaintance just doesn't cut it. You really need someone that you know you can trust with anything. Problem is, every time I've trusted someone lately it has turned around and bitten me in the ass and I'm getting tired of it.

Sorry for the pity party, but I needed to get this crap out.

And now it is May again

It is hard to believe that this month makes one year since my life fell apart or got on the right track, depending on how I look at it. Last year, I would have definitely been in the 'fall apart' category, but now I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track. Things have changed so drastically in my life over the last year, it is really unbelievable to me. A year ago I was 150 pounds overweight, so depressed I could barely leave the house, not working, not even thinking about going to school, living like a roommate with my husband. Today I have lost almost 70 pounds, I am working full time, going to school almost full time, being (in my opinion anyway) a pretty darn good single mother to my two teenaged daughters, getting out, making new friends, rediscovering old friendships, taking trips - in short, actually living my life. Do I miss David? Yes, I do. Do I still love David? Yes, in some ways I will always love him. You don't spend 22 years of your life with someone and then just turn off those feelings like a switch. Would I want to be married to him, or in a 'relationship' with him ever again? No, I can honestly say I would not.

My financial situation is both much worse and much better. I have FAR less income than I used to, but because I am working, and all the money I make is mine, I do what I want with it without feeling guilty or like I have to ask permission to buy something. Not that he ever expected me to ask permission, but I felt that since he was the only one working and money was so tight that it was not ok for me to buy things for myself. Well, I am never, ever going to feel that way again. Do I still have champagne tastes on a beer budget? LOL, yeah. And I don't expect that to change anytime soon either. But the fact is, whatever financial mistakes I do or don't make now, are only mine. And I have never had that in my entire 38 years. I guess the long and short of it is that for the first time ever in my whole life, I am finally, truly independent. I'm making my own money, taking care of my own home and my children when they are with me, and for the first time, taking care of ME. And figuring out who that is. True, some negative people will say that because David is paying me both child and spousal support that I am not truly financially independent. Well, you know what I say to them? F*&$ you. I gave him 22 years of my life, 18 years of marriage, 2 beautiful daughters and I followed him from state to state giving up my own fledgling career to help him build his career. I earned every freaking dime he pays me, and more that I will never see.

Photos from the trip!

Spring Break 2008

What a week!

The girls and I have had an absolutely fabulous time in the UK! We arrived at London Gatwick airport last Friday at 7am local time and got straight onto the train up to Edinburgh. It made for a very long day of travel - I think I calculated about 16 hours from DFW. And now I wish I had planned more time for us in Scotland because it was so very beautiful and there was more we wanted to see. We were only really able to explore Edinburgh Castle and then walk the Royal Mile. We got a late start and arrived down at Holyrood House about 5 minutes after closing so we were not able to tour that which was a huge disappointment for me. But the girls certainly enjoyed some of the more eclectic shops just off the Royal Mile, and Katie even found 'her favorite shop in the world'. We then had a quiet morning on Sunday and took our time with breakfast and getting ready to catch the train back down to London.

Because I wasn't prepared enough and didn't buy the tickets online while still in the US, we bought our train tickets on the day when we arrived here - MISTAKE. We weren't able to get reserved seats, and the train was so busy we ended up spending most of the 4 hour 50 minute journey up to Scotland in a tiny vestibule at the end of the quiet coach. I was NOT going to make that mistake again so Saturday night we went to Edinburgh Waverly station and I spent a little extra to reserve us first class train tickets for the ride back down to London on Sunday. What a difference! The train ride along the coast was just beautiful and we took loads of pictures.

Our time in London has been a blast. I'll write some much longer posts later with more details, but here is a short list of what we've seen and done: bus tour of the city, Marble Arch, Hyde Park, Big Ben and Parliament, Westminster Abbey, rode the London Eye, toured the London Dungeon (can't wait to post the picture from the ride there!) toured Shakespeare's Globe theatre, Buckingham Palace (well, we drove by on the bus - missed the changing of the guard) Trafalgar Square, St Paul's, toured the Tower of London, saw Avenue Q (great show!!!) and yesterday we took a coach tour out to Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath. I love Bath! It is the most beautiful town and I could totally live there. I'm pretty sure I can't afford it, but that is beside the point! Today the girls and I are going to take a Thames river cruise up to Greenwich and explore there for a while before heading back down the river and doing some shopping on Regent street. I have been told to prepare for 'all the shopping' my 'credit card can take'. Wow. Just in case I haven't spent enough money on this trip already?

I'll be writing much more and sharing lots of photos when we get back.

Holy crow I cannot believe how busy I have become. I'm working longer hours, going to school. getting out and socializing more...things have certainly changed for me. I'm sad to see so many friends, online and IRL going through divorce as well. I'm not dating but then I'm still totally not ready for it. Wishing I could be 'that girl' who could do a one night stand and get THAT out of the way, but it will happen when it happens. Hope anyone who still reads my blog is doing well.

Online VS Real Life

I think I'm going to concentrate on my Online friendships. The Real Life ones aren't really working out all that well for me.

So tired...

Last night was a crappy night. I got sick, I think from my chicken salad sandwich at lunch, and spent the whole night in the bathroom. That was so not fun in any shape or form. Then of course I had to meet my boss at a new office building at 8:30 this morning and that was a joy. I was so tired I could barely get out of bed, and because I was so sick all the little blood vessels around my eyes burst and I look like some weird version of a raccoon. And since I'm working and going to school full time now, I have made the very difficult decision to give up my dogs because we are never home and it is not fair to them. So I have been trying to arrange that since early December but all my emails to the rescue have been ignored. On Monday morning I sent a semi-nasty email to the adoption coordinator who has been ignoring my emails, and copied everyone listed on the local website, including the national coordinator. So I got an angry message last night and then an angry phone call this morning while I was trying to get ready. I understand that she's ticked because I complained to the national coordinator, but if she had just replied to any of my previous emails telling me what was going on I probably would have been a lot more understanding and not sent that email. And there is stuff going on with Taylor and school - I think she's acting out because she's upset about the divorce, but she insists that isn't it. I simply don't believe her. And XH is not backing me up if I punish her even though he has said it is up to me to do what I feel is right. Then when she's at his house he doesn't follow through on the punishments I've set, even though he tells me he will. Things are starting to really drag me down, and I've got to get my life back under control soon. Sigh. Things will get better, I know that. I just am not sure I have the energy to work on it!

New Year's Eve

Last night was hard, hard, hard for me. I made the mistake of checking out his Myspace (and hers) and discovered that they both have their status set as 'in a relationship'. This really threw me for a loop as I guess I have still been clinging to the hope that we would get back together. I need to really get it through my thick skull that that will not be happening, and I need to move on. I need to stop looking at their Myspaces, stop checking his profile on Match and basically just pretend he doesn't exist except as it concerns our children. I originally had no plans for last night, and then suddenly I had three different offers. Then, one by one those offers fell through. The first offer fell through because the hostess fell sick and they cancelled. The next offer was probably never a real firm offer to begin with because I'm pretty sure that the offer was extended out of pity, and by someone who I'm sure is sick of listening to me whine about my ex. The final offer was for something I probably would not ever really have done to begin with - going to a huge country nightclub for the night. I've never been a big New Year's eve partier to begin with - too many drunks on the road, and this year was no exception. My DD1 was kind of bummed because all the friends she invited over to her dad's crapped out on her with the exception of one girl. DD2 made last minute plans to go to a friend's so I had to chauffer her around anyway. When I wasn't talking to the girls or a friend on the phone, I was pretty much sleeping on the couch or crying. DD2 said that there is a saying that the way you spend New Year's Eve is the way you'll spend the year. Kinda hope not since I spent the night alone and in tears...