Divorce, sadness, a little bitterness, and a fresh outlook on life.

So one of my good online friends is very sad today. It would have been her 15th wedding anniversary had her STBXH not moved out in May 2007. Well, they are still not divorced, so I guess technically it still is her anniversary. She's at work, very sad but not crying. Methinks she would not be as sad today if things had not gone to hell in a handbasket with a good friend of hers that she was trying to pursue a relationship with. If that was working out, she would probably not miss her ex and what they had as much. My heart breaks for her because I know how difficult this all is for her.

In my own experience, I totally understand where she is at. Although surprisingly, last November on what would have been my 18th anniversary I was not as sad as I had expected to be. Sure, there were tears, but not many. And then I went out to dinner with a really good friend for great food, great wine and incredible company. Sadly, that friend and I parted ways soon after. This Saturday marks XH's 40th birthday and one year since our divorce was final. The few friends I have are rallying and we are looking forward to doing some fun stuff - but I'm not sure how much I need it. I am very sad about missing his 40th birthday. For his 30th, I threw him a great big surprise party and invited a ton of people and had a photographer and really tried to make it special. I don't know what he is doing this year, but probably not what I had planned - and that is where the bitterness lies. I had so many plans for our life together and they are all so much rubbish now. I won't ever celebrate his birthday with him again and that does make me sad. All the milestones left in his life that I thought I would share - well, someone else gets to share those with him now. And I don't dislike her, on the contrary, she seemed very nice the couple of times I have met her. And my girls like her, and she seems to make him very happy. And that is SO what I want for him. He totally deserves all the happiness in the world - as do I. I was thinking a little this morning about how different all our lives would have been if I had been able to pull the trigger 13 years ago and divorce him when I first found out he had cheated. That was when the marriage truly ended - not a year ago.

However true it is that hindsight is 20/20, I'm sick of looking backwards. It doesn't matter what might have been, because it wasn't. The only truth I have is what is in front of me. And I've made some choices that are going to drastically affect my future and I'm ok with whatever the outcome of those choices. In fact, I welcome the outcome. It's about time in my life that I start looking forward instead of backward. I have lived for so long with 'if only' and 'what if I'd...' and I can't stand it anymore. It. Does. Not. Matter. The art of forgiveness lies in realizing that the past couldn't have been any different. Dr Phil said that on an Oprah show many, many years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I hope that someday I'm able to forgive myself and David for what we did to each other and to our children by allowing that sham of a marriage to continue for as long as we did. There were a lot of wasted years, and I need to make up for them with myself. Got a lot of work to do, but it's going to be a good time and all the mistakes I make are going to be mine and I will own them. That's kind of a nice feeling.