It is hard to believe that this month makes one year since my life fell apart or got on the right track, depending on how I look at it. Last year, I would have definitely been in the 'fall apart' category, but now I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track. Things have changed so drastically in my life over the last year, it is really unbelievable to me. A year ago I was 150 pounds overweight, so depressed I could barely leave the house, not working, not even thinking about going to school, living like a roommate with my husband. Today I have lost almost 70 pounds, I am working full time, going to school almost full time, being (in my opinion anyway) a pretty darn good single mother to my two teenaged daughters, getting out, making new friends, rediscovering old friendships, taking trips - in short, actually living my life. Do I miss David? Yes, I do. Do I still love David? Yes, in some ways I will always love him. You don't spend 22 years of your life with someone and then just turn off those feelings like a switch. Would I want to be married to him, or in a 'relationship' with him ever again? No, I can honestly say I would not.
My financial situation is both much worse and much better. I have FAR less income than I used to, but because I am working, and all the money I make is mine, I do what I want with it without feeling guilty or like I have to ask permission to buy something. Not that he ever expected me to ask permission, but I felt that since he was the only one working and money was so tight that it was not ok for me to buy things for myself. Well, I am never, ever going to feel that way again. Do I still have champagne tastes on a beer budget? LOL, yeah. And I don't expect that to change anytime soon either. But the fact is, whatever financial mistakes I do or don't make now, are only mine. And I have never had that in my entire 38 years. I guess the long and short of it is that for the first time ever in my whole life, I am finally, truly independent. I'm making my own money, taking care of my own home and my children when they are with me, and for the first time, taking care of ME. And figuring out who that is. True, some negative people will say that because David is paying me both child and spousal support that I am not truly financially independent. Well, you know what I say to them? F*&$ you. I gave him 22 years of my life, 18 years of marriage, 2 beautiful daughters and I followed him from state to state giving up my own fledgling career to help him build his career. I earned every freaking dime he pays me, and more that I will never see.
2 comments:
I'm a lot less worried about you now than I was a year ago. Good on you, Sharon!!!
Have people really made negative comments about you receiving child support & spousal support from your XH? That's awful! What witches.
Congratulations on the great progress you are making, the weight loss is great, but more than that, it sounds like you are in a much better place in your "head", and that's the most amazing thing that I think you've accomplished in the past year!
Here's to many happy, fulfilling years in your future, Sharon. I'm so proud of you!
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