And now it is May again

It is hard to believe that this month makes one year since my life fell apart or got on the right track, depending on how I look at it. Last year, I would have definitely been in the 'fall apart' category, but now I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track. Things have changed so drastically in my life over the last year, it is really unbelievable to me. A year ago I was 150 pounds overweight, so depressed I could barely leave the house, not working, not even thinking about going to school, living like a roommate with my husband. Today I have lost almost 70 pounds, I am working full time, going to school almost full time, being (in my opinion anyway) a pretty darn good single mother to my two teenaged daughters, getting out, making new friends, rediscovering old friendships, taking trips - in short, actually living my life. Do I miss David? Yes, I do. Do I still love David? Yes, in some ways I will always love him. You don't spend 22 years of your life with someone and then just turn off those feelings like a switch. Would I want to be married to him, or in a 'relationship' with him ever again? No, I can honestly say I would not.

My financial situation is both much worse and much better. I have FAR less income than I used to, but because I am working, and all the money I make is mine, I do what I want with it without feeling guilty or like I have to ask permission to buy something. Not that he ever expected me to ask permission, but I felt that since he was the only one working and money was so tight that it was not ok for me to buy things for myself. Well, I am never, ever going to feel that way again. Do I still have champagne tastes on a beer budget? LOL, yeah. And I don't expect that to change anytime soon either. But the fact is, whatever financial mistakes I do or don't make now, are only mine. And I have never had that in my entire 38 years. I guess the long and short of it is that for the first time ever in my whole life, I am finally, truly independent. I'm making my own money, taking care of my own home and my children when they are with me, and for the first time, taking care of ME. And figuring out who that is. True, some negative people will say that because David is paying me both child and spousal support that I am not truly financially independent. Well, you know what I say to them? F*&$ you. I gave him 22 years of my life, 18 years of marriage, 2 beautiful daughters and I followed him from state to state giving up my own fledgling career to help him build his career. I earned every freaking dime he pays me, and more that I will never see.

Photos from the trip!

Spring Break 2008

What a week!

The girls and I have had an absolutely fabulous time in the UK! We arrived at London Gatwick airport last Friday at 7am local time and got straight onto the train up to Edinburgh. It made for a very long day of travel - I think I calculated about 16 hours from DFW. And now I wish I had planned more time for us in Scotland because it was so very beautiful and there was more we wanted to see. We were only really able to explore Edinburgh Castle and then walk the Royal Mile. We got a late start and arrived down at Holyrood House about 5 minutes after closing so we were not able to tour that which was a huge disappointment for me. But the girls certainly enjoyed some of the more eclectic shops just off the Royal Mile, and Katie even found 'her favorite shop in the world'. We then had a quiet morning on Sunday and took our time with breakfast and getting ready to catch the train back down to London.

Because I wasn't prepared enough and didn't buy the tickets online while still in the US, we bought our train tickets on the day when we arrived here - MISTAKE. We weren't able to get reserved seats, and the train was so busy we ended up spending most of the 4 hour 50 minute journey up to Scotland in a tiny vestibule at the end of the quiet coach. I was NOT going to make that mistake again so Saturday night we went to Edinburgh Waverly station and I spent a little extra to reserve us first class train tickets for the ride back down to London on Sunday. What a difference! The train ride along the coast was just beautiful and we took loads of pictures.

Our time in London has been a blast. I'll write some much longer posts later with more details, but here is a short list of what we've seen and done: bus tour of the city, Marble Arch, Hyde Park, Big Ben and Parliament, Westminster Abbey, rode the London Eye, toured the London Dungeon (can't wait to post the picture from the ride there!) toured Shakespeare's Globe theatre, Buckingham Palace (well, we drove by on the bus - missed the changing of the guard) Trafalgar Square, St Paul's, toured the Tower of London, saw Avenue Q (great show!!!) and yesterday we took a coach tour out to Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath. I love Bath! It is the most beautiful town and I could totally live there. I'm pretty sure I can't afford it, but that is beside the point! Today the girls and I are going to take a Thames river cruise up to Greenwich and explore there for a while before heading back down the river and doing some shopping on Regent street. I have been told to prepare for 'all the shopping' my 'credit card can take'. Wow. Just in case I haven't spent enough money on this trip already?

I'll be writing much more and sharing lots of photos when we get back.

Holy crow I cannot believe how busy I have become. I'm working longer hours, going to school. getting out and socializing more...things have certainly changed for me. I'm sad to see so many friends, online and IRL going through divorce as well. I'm not dating but then I'm still totally not ready for it. Wishing I could be 'that girl' who could do a one night stand and get THAT out of the way, but it will happen when it happens. Hope anyone who still reads my blog is doing well.

Online VS Real Life

I think I'm going to concentrate on my Online friendships. The Real Life ones aren't really working out all that well for me.

So tired...

Last night was a crappy night. I got sick, I think from my chicken salad sandwich at lunch, and spent the whole night in the bathroom. That was so not fun in any shape or form. Then of course I had to meet my boss at a new office building at 8:30 this morning and that was a joy. I was so tired I could barely get out of bed, and because I was so sick all the little blood vessels around my eyes burst and I look like some weird version of a raccoon. And since I'm working and going to school full time now, I have made the very difficult decision to give up my dogs because we are never home and it is not fair to them. So I have been trying to arrange that since early December but all my emails to the rescue have been ignored. On Monday morning I sent a semi-nasty email to the adoption coordinator who has been ignoring my emails, and copied everyone listed on the local website, including the national coordinator. So I got an angry message last night and then an angry phone call this morning while I was trying to get ready. I understand that she's ticked because I complained to the national coordinator, but if she had just replied to any of my previous emails telling me what was going on I probably would have been a lot more understanding and not sent that email. And there is stuff going on with Taylor and school - I think she's acting out because she's upset about the divorce, but she insists that isn't it. I simply don't believe her. And XH is not backing me up if I punish her even though he has said it is up to me to do what I feel is right. Then when she's at his house he doesn't follow through on the punishments I've set, even though he tells me he will. Things are starting to really drag me down, and I've got to get my life back under control soon. Sigh. Things will get better, I know that. I just am not sure I have the energy to work on it!

New Year's Eve

Last night was hard, hard, hard for me. I made the mistake of checking out his Myspace (and hers) and discovered that they both have their status set as 'in a relationship'. This really threw me for a loop as I guess I have still been clinging to the hope that we would get back together. I need to really get it through my thick skull that that will not be happening, and I need to move on. I need to stop looking at their Myspaces, stop checking his profile on Match and basically just pretend he doesn't exist except as it concerns our children. I originally had no plans for last night, and then suddenly I had three different offers. Then, one by one those offers fell through. The first offer fell through because the hostess fell sick and they cancelled. The next offer was probably never a real firm offer to begin with because I'm pretty sure that the offer was extended out of pity, and by someone who I'm sure is sick of listening to me whine about my ex. The final offer was for something I probably would not ever really have done to begin with - going to a huge country nightclub for the night. I've never been a big New Year's eve partier to begin with - too many drunks on the road, and this year was no exception. My DD1 was kind of bummed because all the friends she invited over to her dad's crapped out on her with the exception of one girl. DD2 made last minute plans to go to a friend's so I had to chauffer her around anyway. When I wasn't talking to the girls or a friend on the phone, I was pretty much sleeping on the couch or crying. DD2 said that there is a saying that the way you spend New Year's Eve is the way you'll spend the year. Kinda hope not since I spent the night alone and in tears...