So much to think about, so little brain power

There is so much going on in my life right now, and yet it seems sometimes like my life is going nowhere. As of right now, my youngest daughter is away for I don't know how long, my eldest daughter is living with her dad for October so I'm completely alone in the house, I'm trying to take 2 online 8 week courses - one in Speech and one in Drama - and get A's in both, I'm trying to find a job, trying to figure out how to move on with my emotions and stop dwelling on the past, trying to get ready for a 5 day trip to the Canadian Rockies, trying to figure out what my best friend is doing going off to Iraq to meet a guy she met on an internet dating site, trying to get involved in some kind of sport, trying to get myself to the gym and eat healthier and trying to meet new people since I only have like two friends in Dallas that I do anything with. Oh yeah, and since K & T are both not here right now, I'm also trying to clean to holy living heck out of my house so it is easier to maintain when they're both back at home. And trying to ignore my ex's repeated requests to sell the house so he can pay off his bills.

I'm working on a plan, really I am. I can't do anything about T being gone, or K being at her dad's this month. I'm doing the reading for Drama, and Speech doesn't start until next Monday. I'm on Monster and Careerbuilder every day, trying to use connections at LinkedIn to see if anyone I know is hiring and I'm getting ready to re-write my resume into a couple of different specialized ones. The trip to Canada is to allow myself some time alone away from this house we used to share, to do some soul-searching and trying to come to terms with what the future holds for me without him. I can't control my friend or what she does, but I am worried she is going to lose herself in this guy; she is not even divorced yet, has a lot of the same issues as I do and should not, IMHO, be running into a new relationship. But I can't control her and I won't try. All I can do is be here for her no matter what happens. A good online friend is going to send me some of her recipes when she has time, I'm going to the gym later today to make sure my membership is still valid and I'll go again to work out tomorrow. I've signed up for indoor volleyball and kickball, but it looks like the kickball league may not make. I'm going to attend DivorceCare and Nar-Anon meetings starting next week, and I'm going to start back to the church T and I were attending last summer - both to help me with things emotionally and to meet new people. I'm going to tackle one room per day in the house until it is spotless, I just need to start. And screw David; my bills are ok for now even without working and he can figure out some other way to pay off his bills - he can short-sell his house for all I care. I will NOT sell this house - my daughters grew up here and it is the only home either of them has any memory of. I will not sell this house until they are both off to college.

I am not sure when I became such a quote fanatic, but I am always looking for quotes that mean something to me. I put one in a letter I wrote to T this morning that I hope will help her. And I'm going to put one at the end of this post too. Then, starting tomorrow I'm going to use my blog as a true online journal, and combine it with my affirmation book and use the daily affirmation or the quote from that book as a topic for my post.

Here is today's affirmation: I let myself know who I am.

I think that is exactly what I am doing on a daily basis with all the work I am doing, physically, mentally and spiritually. So that's all I'm going to say on that today!

Patience is wearing thin...

I 'get' that I won't be given any more than I can handle, but I am not kidding here - I can't take much more.

Divorce, sadness, a little bitterness, and a fresh outlook on life.

So one of my good online friends is very sad today. It would have been her 15th wedding anniversary had her STBXH not moved out in May 2007. Well, they are still not divorced, so I guess technically it still is her anniversary. She's at work, very sad but not crying. Methinks she would not be as sad today if things had not gone to hell in a handbasket with a good friend of hers that she was trying to pursue a relationship with. If that was working out, she would probably not miss her ex and what they had as much. My heart breaks for her because I know how difficult this all is for her.

In my own experience, I totally understand where she is at. Although surprisingly, last November on what would have been my 18th anniversary I was not as sad as I had expected to be. Sure, there were tears, but not many. And then I went out to dinner with a really good friend for great food, great wine and incredible company. Sadly, that friend and I parted ways soon after. This Saturday marks XH's 40th birthday and one year since our divorce was final. The few friends I have are rallying and we are looking forward to doing some fun stuff - but I'm not sure how much I need it. I am very sad about missing his 40th birthday. For his 30th, I threw him a great big surprise party and invited a ton of people and had a photographer and really tried to make it special. I don't know what he is doing this year, but probably not what I had planned - and that is where the bitterness lies. I had so many plans for our life together and they are all so much rubbish now. I won't ever celebrate his birthday with him again and that does make me sad. All the milestones left in his life that I thought I would share - well, someone else gets to share those with him now. And I don't dislike her, on the contrary, she seemed very nice the couple of times I have met her. And my girls like her, and she seems to make him very happy. And that is SO what I want for him. He totally deserves all the happiness in the world - as do I. I was thinking a little this morning about how different all our lives would have been if I had been able to pull the trigger 13 years ago and divorce him when I first found out he had cheated. That was when the marriage truly ended - not a year ago.

However true it is that hindsight is 20/20, I'm sick of looking backwards. It doesn't matter what might have been, because it wasn't. The only truth I have is what is in front of me. And I've made some choices that are going to drastically affect my future and I'm ok with whatever the outcome of those choices. In fact, I welcome the outcome. It's about time in my life that I start looking forward instead of backward. I have lived for so long with 'if only' and 'what if I'd...' and I can't stand it anymore. It. Does. Not. Matter. The art of forgiveness lies in realizing that the past couldn't have been any different. Dr Phil said that on an Oprah show many, many years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I hope that someday I'm able to forgive myself and David for what we did to each other and to our children by allowing that sham of a marriage to continue for as long as we did. There were a lot of wasted years, and I need to make up for them with myself. Got a lot of work to do, but it's going to be a good time and all the mistakes I make are going to be mine and I will own them. That's kind of a nice feeling.

What if it all goes right - Melissa Lawson

What if that road that you're taking's a dead end
What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
what if that limb breaks you're climbing out on
yeah, what if it all goes wrong

But, what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
what if that love ends up lasting a life time
what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
what if this time nothing goes wrong

what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

what if you climb to the mountain top
and touch the sky
grab a cloud as it passes by
you might fall you might fall
but then again you might fly

what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

More random quotes that gave me pause for thought...

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how…We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. (Done!)

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor (wo)man perfected without trials.

Don't fall before you're pushed.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.

The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.

Wow. Just wow.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail here on this very public blog, but wow. Some people absolutely astonish me with the way they think. Or don't think. Depending on how you look at it. For someone who is a Libra, and prides themselves on always seeing both sides of the situation...wow. Just WOW.

What a difference a day makes

I haven't really blogged about it here, but things have been getting progressively worse at my job, probably since about March. Once A found out she was pregnant, M started really getting on me since he knew she would be gone in June or July. After she left in June it really got bad. He thinks I am not 'here' and that is why things have been falling through the cracks. The reality is that I'm so overworked and overextended (I've been putting in 60-70 hours a week) that I can't think straight, and that is why things have been falling through the cracks. I knew that A & M had a weird, dysfuctional relationship and that they fought like brother and sister, and that he rode her hard and sometimes was just flat out cruel to her. What I didn't know was that would be unleashed on me as soon as she left. When she left I suddenly went from being someone he was proud of, who did a great job, to someone who couldn't do anything right and was constantly f*cking up. The truth is that I didn't change at all - his expectations and my work load changed. It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I approached M about being considered to take A's place if she didn't come back from her maternity leave. I thought I was well positioned to do it as I have been with the company for over a year, had a good feel for how things worked in our branch and had been filling in for her for nearly two months. What a shock it was to me when I told no f'ing way would he consider me because I had NO IDEA what it was to do her job. And I was also told that it wasn't his job to mentor and prepare me to take over her job - it was straight up my job to ask the right questions and get the answers I needed. Ok. So then I tried to go back to just doing my job, but again, so stressed out my hair was coming out in the shower and things were indeed falling through the cracks. Some little things, some important things. He and I had it out about two weeks ago and he finally told me that's it - I'm going to start writing you up for everything you screw up. So I started looking for another job because I knew I had done everything I could to please him and there was just nothing I could do right at this point.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. There is a leak in my front bathroom and it is spraying water all over I call the plumber and text M to tell him I'll be in as soon as it is cleared up. When I get to work (in reality only 5 minutes later than scheduled) the door has not even closed behind me when he starts in on me. And I just can't take anymore. I tried; I went into my office and did my best to do the work I needed to get done, but I heard him on the phone telling people how badly I had screwed everything up and how all kinds of stuff was my fault - stuff I don't have anything to do with. So I typed up my two weeks' notice and handed it to him. He looked at it, said I've never tried to talk anyone out of this in 10 years, but are you sure this is what you want? I said, no, it isn't what I want, but I feel like I've been backed into a corner by you and the way you treat me and I can't take anymore. So he starts in on how I screw everything up again, and I'm looking at him like really? What's the point - I just told you I was quitting. So he finally says ok I'm going to demote you and take away all your duties except for payroll. I was like whatever - make it effective now. He says you realize then you won't be eligible for re-hire? I'm like wow - who cares? I don't want to work for you anymore, and frankly I don't want to work for any company that allows you to continue to run people off the way you do - I'm done. And I went to my office and packed my things and left.

And now I'm scared spitless about how I'm going to pay my bills, what I'm going to do about health insurance, and a thousand other things. But I'm also so completely at peace I can't explain it. And it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it also feels like such the right move.