Holy crow I cannot believe how busy I have become. I'm working longer hours, going to school. getting out and socializing more...things have certainly changed for me. I'm sad to see so many friends, online and IRL going through divorce as well. I'm not dating but then I'm still totally not ready for it. Wishing I could be 'that girl' who could do a one night stand and get THAT out of the way, but it will happen when it happens. Hope anyone who still reads my blog is doing well.

Online VS Real Life

I think I'm going to concentrate on my Online friendships. The Real Life ones aren't really working out all that well for me.

So tired...

Last night was a crappy night. I got sick, I think from my chicken salad sandwich at lunch, and spent the whole night in the bathroom. That was so not fun in any shape or form. Then of course I had to meet my boss at a new office building at 8:30 this morning and that was a joy. I was so tired I could barely get out of bed, and because I was so sick all the little blood vessels around my eyes burst and I look like some weird version of a raccoon. And since I'm working and going to school full time now, I have made the very difficult decision to give up my dogs because we are never home and it is not fair to them. So I have been trying to arrange that since early December but all my emails to the rescue have been ignored. On Monday morning I sent a semi-nasty email to the adoption coordinator who has been ignoring my emails, and copied everyone listed on the local website, including the national coordinator. So I got an angry message last night and then an angry phone call this morning while I was trying to get ready. I understand that she's ticked because I complained to the national coordinator, but if she had just replied to any of my previous emails telling me what was going on I probably would have been a lot more understanding and not sent that email. And there is stuff going on with Taylor and school - I think she's acting out because she's upset about the divorce, but she insists that isn't it. I simply don't believe her. And XH is not backing me up if I punish her even though he has said it is up to me to do what I feel is right. Then when she's at his house he doesn't follow through on the punishments I've set, even though he tells me he will. Things are starting to really drag me down, and I've got to get my life back under control soon. Sigh. Things will get better, I know that. I just am not sure I have the energy to work on it!

New Year's Eve

Last night was hard, hard, hard for me. I made the mistake of checking out his Myspace (and hers) and discovered that they both have their status set as 'in a relationship'. This really threw me for a loop as I guess I have still been clinging to the hope that we would get back together. I need to really get it through my thick skull that that will not be happening, and I need to move on. I need to stop looking at their Myspaces, stop checking his profile on Match and basically just pretend he doesn't exist except as it concerns our children. I originally had no plans for last night, and then suddenly I had three different offers. Then, one by one those offers fell through. The first offer fell through because the hostess fell sick and they cancelled. The next offer was probably never a real firm offer to begin with because I'm pretty sure that the offer was extended out of pity, and by someone who I'm sure is sick of listening to me whine about my ex. The final offer was for something I probably would not ever really have done to begin with - going to a huge country nightclub for the night. I've never been a big New Year's eve partier to begin with - too many drunks on the road, and this year was no exception. My DD1 was kind of bummed because all the friends she invited over to her dad's crapped out on her with the exception of one girl. DD2 made last minute plans to go to a friend's so I had to chauffer her around anyway. When I wasn't talking to the girls or a friend on the phone, I was pretty much sleeping on the couch or crying. DD2 said that there is a saying that the way you spend New Year's Eve is the way you'll spend the year. Kinda hope not since I spent the night alone and in tears...

2008

In 2008 I will:

Be single for the entire calendar year for the first time in more than 20 years - and LOVE it.

Continue my education, and continue working toward my degree so I can build a better life for me.

Continue my weight loss journey - don't know what the end goal is, but I know I'm going to get there.

Continue my emotional recovery from co-dependence, depression and anxiety.

Keep learning to be a great mom to my daughters - I've wasted enough of our lives taking a backseat to their dad. This is MY year.

Learn to be true to the one person in my life I can really count on - ME.

Learn to love that same person as above, because only when I love myself will I truly be able to love another.

Really, truly and completely let go of David. He has already let go of me, I need to do the same.

Reconnect with more of my old friends, make new friends and work to BE a better friend.

Find out what makes me tick, and what I really want out of life. Then work toward fulfilling those goals.

These aren't so much New Year's resolutions as they are promises to myself that I intend to keep. Happy New Year everyone!

I don't know what he is doing

According to K, she and D are not getting along really great right now. She says he has been going 'out' and being really secretive, and tonight seemed like it really upset her. He said he told her that he wouldn't be home to have dinner with her; she remembers only that he said he wouldn't be home when she got home from getting her hair done. He apparently won't tell her where he is or what he is doing - he will only say that he is 'out'. And it seems to be getting to her. She says that she talked to him, and told him she would really prefer he just say that he doesn't want to tell her where he is rather than being secretive, but she thinks he doesn't care. My guess is that he is seeing someone, or someones, and doesn't want to tell her. I don't know if it is because he doesn't want to upset her, or if he wants to make sure it doesn't get back to me. Personally, I don't really care all that much. Yes, if truth be told, there is a part of me that is still holding onto the hope that we could get back together, and I am extremely jealous at the thought of him dating. But I'm also being realistic, and I know that he isn't coming back to me. And frankly, the more I see of his behavior lately, the less I want that. He is truly turning into a person I don't know, and don't like very much. He is very short with me, always accusing me of acting angry about stuff, always accusing me of being on the defensive when in reality, it seems to me that he is the one on the defensive. And for someone who always told me that the source of his anger was me and our marriage, and that is what he was taking out on the girls; he is still very angry and very short with them all the time. And given that it is over, I don't see how our marriage could still be the source of all that anger. Unfortunately for him, he is irreparably damaging his relationships with his daughters, or at least with K. And I am done trying to be the middle ground between them. I am not going to get involved. He and I are no longer a married couple and I will not involve myself in his relationships with our daughters as I would expect he would not involve himself in my relationships with them. If he is not careful, she is going to get fed up with being treated like she is not important to him, and she will move back in with me full time. Unless of course that is exactly his plan...then he won't care will he?

Really? Are you kidding me?

I'm not sure my year could get much worse at this point. First my husband leaves, then my grandfather dies, then my grandmother's favorite cousin dies, my divorce is final, I spend my first Thanksgiving with no family in my whole life, and then last night as I was leaving Algebra class my brother called to tell me my father is dead. What's next? Really? I know they say God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle, but seriously. I don't know just how much more I can take.