Ouch

I think what hurts me the most is knowing that while he has changed me forever, I don't think he will even notice that I'm gone from his life.

Children

God has mothers carry children in their bodies for nine months, thus creating an unbreakable bond. At least for the mother. The only one who loves you more than your mother is your higher power.

But at the same time, God creates an undeniable desire in the child to test that bond. Each day, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in unbelievably huge ways, your child will do it's very best to test and perhaps even break the bond that God has created.

Which mother is stronger I wonder? The one who holds on so tight and never lets go? Or the one who isn't afraid to let go and let the child figure it out for them self?

So much to think about, so little brain power

There is so much going on in my life right now, and yet it seems sometimes like my life is going nowhere. As of right now, my youngest daughter is away for I don't know how long, my eldest daughter is living with her dad for October so I'm completely alone in the house, I'm trying to take 2 online 8 week courses - one in Speech and one in Drama - and get A's in both, I'm trying to find a job, trying to figure out how to move on with my emotions and stop dwelling on the past, trying to get ready for a 5 day trip to the Canadian Rockies, trying to figure out what my best friend is doing going off to Iraq to meet a guy she met on an internet dating site, trying to get involved in some kind of sport, trying to get myself to the gym and eat healthier and trying to meet new people since I only have like two friends in Dallas that I do anything with. Oh yeah, and since K & T are both not here right now, I'm also trying to clean to holy living heck out of my house so it is easier to maintain when they're both back at home. And trying to ignore my ex's repeated requests to sell the house so he can pay off his bills.

I'm working on a plan, really I am. I can't do anything about T being gone, or K being at her dad's this month. I'm doing the reading for Drama, and Speech doesn't start until next Monday. I'm on Monster and Careerbuilder every day, trying to use connections at LinkedIn to see if anyone I know is hiring and I'm getting ready to re-write my resume into a couple of different specialized ones. The trip to Canada is to allow myself some time alone away from this house we used to share, to do some soul-searching and trying to come to terms with what the future holds for me without him. I can't control my friend or what she does, but I am worried she is going to lose herself in this guy; she is not even divorced yet, has a lot of the same issues as I do and should not, IMHO, be running into a new relationship. But I can't control her and I won't try. All I can do is be here for her no matter what happens. A good online friend is going to send me some of her recipes when she has time, I'm going to the gym later today to make sure my membership is still valid and I'll go again to work out tomorrow. I've signed up for indoor volleyball and kickball, but it looks like the kickball league may not make. I'm going to attend DivorceCare and Nar-Anon meetings starting next week, and I'm going to start back to the church T and I were attending last summer - both to help me with things emotionally and to meet new people. I'm going to tackle one room per day in the house until it is spotless, I just need to start. And screw David; my bills are ok for now even without working and he can figure out some other way to pay off his bills - he can short-sell his house for all I care. I will NOT sell this house - my daughters grew up here and it is the only home either of them has any memory of. I will not sell this house until they are both off to college.

I am not sure when I became such a quote fanatic, but I am always looking for quotes that mean something to me. I put one in a letter I wrote to T this morning that I hope will help her. And I'm going to put one at the end of this post too. Then, starting tomorrow I'm going to use my blog as a true online journal, and combine it with my affirmation book and use the daily affirmation or the quote from that book as a topic for my post.

Here is today's affirmation: I let myself know who I am.

I think that is exactly what I am doing on a daily basis with all the work I am doing, physically, mentally and spiritually. So that's all I'm going to say on that today!

Patience is wearing thin...

I 'get' that I won't be given any more than I can handle, but I am not kidding here - I can't take much more.

Divorce, sadness, a little bitterness, and a fresh outlook on life.

So one of my good online friends is very sad today. It would have been her 15th wedding anniversary had her STBXH not moved out in May 2007. Well, they are still not divorced, so I guess technically it still is her anniversary. She's at work, very sad but not crying. Methinks she would not be as sad today if things had not gone to hell in a handbasket with a good friend of hers that she was trying to pursue a relationship with. If that was working out, she would probably not miss her ex and what they had as much. My heart breaks for her because I know how difficult this all is for her.

In my own experience, I totally understand where she is at. Although surprisingly, last November on what would have been my 18th anniversary I was not as sad as I had expected to be. Sure, there were tears, but not many. And then I went out to dinner with a really good friend for great food, great wine and incredible company. Sadly, that friend and I parted ways soon after. This Saturday marks XH's 40th birthday and one year since our divorce was final. The few friends I have are rallying and we are looking forward to doing some fun stuff - but I'm not sure how much I need it. I am very sad about missing his 40th birthday. For his 30th, I threw him a great big surprise party and invited a ton of people and had a photographer and really tried to make it special. I don't know what he is doing this year, but probably not what I had planned - and that is where the bitterness lies. I had so many plans for our life together and they are all so much rubbish now. I won't ever celebrate his birthday with him again and that does make me sad. All the milestones left in his life that I thought I would share - well, someone else gets to share those with him now. And I don't dislike her, on the contrary, she seemed very nice the couple of times I have met her. And my girls like her, and she seems to make him very happy. And that is SO what I want for him. He totally deserves all the happiness in the world - as do I. I was thinking a little this morning about how different all our lives would have been if I had been able to pull the trigger 13 years ago and divorce him when I first found out he had cheated. That was when the marriage truly ended - not a year ago.

However true it is that hindsight is 20/20, I'm sick of looking backwards. It doesn't matter what might have been, because it wasn't. The only truth I have is what is in front of me. And I've made some choices that are going to drastically affect my future and I'm ok with whatever the outcome of those choices. In fact, I welcome the outcome. It's about time in my life that I start looking forward instead of backward. I have lived for so long with 'if only' and 'what if I'd...' and I can't stand it anymore. It. Does. Not. Matter. The art of forgiveness lies in realizing that the past couldn't have been any different. Dr Phil said that on an Oprah show many, many years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I hope that someday I'm able to forgive myself and David for what we did to each other and to our children by allowing that sham of a marriage to continue for as long as we did. There were a lot of wasted years, and I need to make up for them with myself. Got a lot of work to do, but it's going to be a good time and all the mistakes I make are going to be mine and I will own them. That's kind of a nice feeling.

What if it all goes right - Melissa Lawson

What if that road that you're taking's a dead end
What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
what if that limb breaks you're climbing out on
yeah, what if it all goes wrong

But, what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
what if that love ends up lasting a life time
what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
what if this time nothing goes wrong

what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

what if you climb to the mountain top
and touch the sky
grab a cloud as it passes by
you might fall you might fall
but then again you might fly

what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

More random quotes that gave me pause for thought...

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how…We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. (Done!)

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor (wo)man perfected without trials.

Don't fall before you're pushed.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.

The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.