A road I haven't traveled...

Ouch

2011-06-05T11:11:00.001-05:00

I think what hurts me the most is knowing that while he has changed me forever, I don't think he will even notice that I'm gone from his life.

Children

2009-07-20T15:19:00.000-05:00

God has mothers carry children in their bodies for nine months, thus creating an unbreakable bond. At least for the mother. The only one who loves you more than your mother is your higher power.

But at the same time, God creates an undeniable desire in the child to test that bond. Each day, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in unbelievably huge ways, your child will do it's very best to test and perhaps even break the bond that God has created.

Which mother is stronger I wonder? The one who holds on so tight and never lets go? Or the one who isn't afraid to let go and let the child figure it out for them self?

So much to think about, so little brain power

2008-10-16T07:37:00.002-05:00

There is so much going on in my life right now, and yet it seems sometimes like my life is going nowhere. As of right now, my youngest daughter is away for I don't know how long, my eldest daughter is living with her dad for October so I'm completely alone in the house, I'm trying to take 2 online 8 week courses - one in Speech and one in Drama - and get A's in both, I'm trying to find a job, trying to figure out how to move on with my emotions and stop dwelling on the past, trying to get ready for a 5 day trip to the Canadian Rockies, trying to figure out what my best friend is doing going off to Iraq to meet a guy she met on an internet dating site, trying to get involved in some kind of sport, trying to get myself to the gym and eat healthier and trying to meet new people since I only have like two friends in Dallas that I do anything with. Oh yeah, and since K & T are both not here right now, I'm also trying to clean to holy living heck out of my house so it is easier to maintain when they're both back at home. And trying to ignore my ex's repeated requests to sell the house so he can pay off his bills.

I'm working on a plan, really I am. I can't do anything about T being gone, or K being at her dad's this month. I'm doing the reading for Drama, and Speech doesn't start until next Monday. I'm on Monster and Careerbuilder every day, trying to use connections at LinkedIn to see if anyone I know is hiring and I'm getting ready to re-write my resume into a couple of different specialized ones. The trip to Canada is to allow myself some time alone away from this house we used to share, to do some soul-searching and trying to come to terms with what the future holds for me without him. I can't control my friend or what she does, but I am worried she is going to lose herself in this guy; she is not even divorced yet, has a lot of the same issues as I do and should not, IMHO, be running into a new relationship. But I can't control her and I won't try. All I can do is be here for her no matter what happens. A good online friend is going to send me some of her recipes when she has time, I'm going to the gym later today to make sure my membership is still valid and I'll go again to work out tomorrow. I've signed up for indoor volleyball and kickball, but it looks like the kickball league may not make. I'm going to attend DivorceCare and Nar-Anon meetings starting next week, and I'm going to start back to the church T and I were attending last summer - both to help me with things emotionally and to meet new people. I'm going to tackle one room per day in the house until it is spotless, I just need to start. And screw David; my bills are ok for now even without working and he can figure out some other way to pay off his bills - he can short-sell his house for all I care. I will NOT sell this house - my daughters grew up here and it is the only home either of them has any memory of. I will not sell this house until they are both off to college.

I am not sure when I became such a quote fanatic, but I am always looking for quotes that mean something to me. I put one in a letter I wrote to T this morning that I hope will help her. And I'm going to put one at the end of this post too. Then, starting tomorrow I'm going to use my blog as a true online journal, and combine it with my affirmation book and use the daily affirmation or the quote from that book as a topic for my post.

Here is today's affirmation: I let myself know who I am.

I think that is exactly what I am doing on a daily basis with all the work I am doing, physically, mentally and spiritually. So that's all I'm going to say on that today!

Patience is wearing thin...

2008-10-08T09:19:00.002-05:00

I 'get' that I won't be given any more than I can handle, but I am not kidding here - I can't take much more.

Divorce, sadness, a little bitterness, and a fresh outlook on life.

2008-10-02T08:52:00.003-05:00

So one of my good online friends is very sad today. It would have been her 15th wedding anniversary had her STBXH not moved out in May 2007. Well, they are still not divorced, so I guess technically it still is her anniversary. She's at work, very sad but not crying. Methinks she would not be as sad today if things had not gone to hell in a handbasket with a good friend of hers that she was trying to pursue a relationship with. If that was working out, she would probably not miss her ex and what they had as much. My heart breaks for her because I know how difficult this all is for her.

In my own experience, I totally understand where she is at. Although surprisingly, last November on what would have been my 18th anniversary I was not as sad as I had expected to be. Sure, there were tears, but not many. And then I went out to dinner with a really good friend for great food, great wine and incredible company. Sadly, that friend and I parted ways soon after. This Saturday marks XH's 40th birthday and one year since our divorce was final. The few friends I have are rallying and we are looking forward to doing some fun stuff - but I'm not sure how much I need it. I am very sad about missing his 40th birthday. For his 30th, I threw him a great big surprise party and invited a ton of people and had a photographer and really tried to make it special. I don't know what he is doing this year, but probably not what I had planned - and that is where the bitterness lies. I had so many plans for our life together and they are all so much rubbish now. I won't ever celebrate his birthday with him again and that does make me sad. All the milestones left in his life that I thought I would share - well, someone else gets to share those with him now. And I don't dislike her, on the contrary, she seemed very nice the couple of times I have met her. And my girls like her, and she seems to make him very happy. And that is SO what I want for him. He totally deserves all the happiness in the world - as do I. I was thinking a little this morning about how different all our lives would have been if I had been able to pull the trigger 13 years ago and divorce him when I first found out he had cheated. That was when the marriage truly ended - not a year ago.

However true it is that hindsight is 20/20, I'm sick of looking backwards. It doesn't matter what might have been, because it wasn't. The only truth I have is what is in front of me. And I've made some choices that are going to drastically affect my future and I'm ok with whatever the outcome of those choices. In fact, I welcome the outcome. It's about time in my life that I start looking forward instead of backward. I have lived for so long with 'if only' and 'what if I'd...' and I can't stand it anymore. It. Does. Not. Matter. The art of forgiveness lies in realizing that the past couldn't have been any different. Dr Phil said that on an Oprah show many, many years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I hope that someday I'm able to forgive myself and David for what we did to each other and to our children by allowing that sham of a marriage to continue for as long as we did. There were a lot of wasted years, and I need to make up for them with myself. Got a lot of work to do, but it's going to be a good time and all the mistakes I make are going to be mine and I will own them. That's kind of a nice feeling.

What if it all goes right - Melissa Lawson

2008-09-26T11:34:00.001-05:00

What if that road that you're taking's a dead end
What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
what if that limb breaks you're climbing out on
yeah, what if it all goes wrong

But, what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
what if that love ends up lasting a life time
what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
what if this time nothing goes wrong

what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

what if you climb to the mountain top
and touch the sky
grab a cloud as it passes by
you might fall you might fall
but then again you might fly

what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

More random quotes that gave me pause for thought...

2008-09-14T18:55:00.002-05:00

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how…We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. (Done!)

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor (wo)man perfected without trials.

Don't fall before you're pushed.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.

The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.

Wow. Just wow.

2008-09-14T18:53:00.003-05:00

I don't want to go into a lot of detail here on this very public blog, but wow. Some people absolutely astonish me with the way they think. Or don't think. Depending on how you look at it. For someone who is a Libra, and prides themselves on always seeing both sides of the situation...wow. Just WOW.

What a difference a day makes

2008-09-04T07:44:00.002-05:00

I haven't really blogged about it here, but things have been getting progressively worse at my job, probably since about March. Once A found out she was pregnant, M started really getting on me since he knew she would be gone in June or July. After she left in June it really got bad. He thinks I am not 'here' and that is why things have been falling through the cracks. The reality is that I'm so overworked and overextended (I've been putting in 60-70 hours a week) that I can't think straight, and that is why things have been falling through the cracks. I knew that A & M had a weird, dysfuctional relationship and that they fought like brother and sister, and that he rode her hard and sometimes was just flat out cruel to her. What I didn't know was that would be unleashed on me as soon as she left. When she left I suddenly went from being someone he was proud of, who did a great job, to someone who couldn't do anything right and was constantly f*cking up. The truth is that I didn't change at all - his expectations and my work load changed. It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I approached M about being considered to take A's place if she didn't come back from her maternity leave. I thought I was well positioned to do it as I have been with the company for over a year, had a good feel for how things worked in our branch and had been filling in for her for nearly two months. What a shock it was to me when I told no f'ing way would he consider me because I had NO IDEA what it was to do her job. And I was also told that it wasn't his job to mentor and prepare me to take over her job - it was straight up my job to ask the right questions and get the answers I needed. Ok. So then I tried to go back to just doing my job, but again, so stressed out my hair was coming out in the shower and things were indeed falling through the cracks. Some little things, some important things. He and I had it out about two weeks ago and he finally told me that's it - I'm going to start writing you up for everything you screw up. So I started looking for another job because I knew I had done everything I could to please him and there was just nothing I could do right at this point.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. There is a leak in my front bathroom and it is spraying water all over I call the plumber and text M to tell him I'll be in as soon as it is cleared up. When I get to work (in reality only 5 minutes later than scheduled) the door has not even closed behind me when he starts in on me. And I just can't take anymore. I tried; I went into my office and did my best to do the work I needed to get done, but I heard him on the phone telling people how badly I had screwed everything up and how all kinds of stuff was my fault - stuff I don't have anything to do with. So I typed up my two weeks' notice and handed it to him. He looked at it, said I've never tried to talk anyone out of this in 10 years, but are you sure this is what you want? I said, no, it isn't what I want, but I feel like I've been backed into a corner by you and the way you treat me and I can't take anymore. So he starts in on how I screw everything up again, and I'm looking at him like really? What's the point - I just told you I was quitting. So he finally says ok I'm going to demote you and take away all your duties except for payroll. I was like whatever - make it effective now. He says you realize then you won't be eligible for re-hire? I'm like wow - who cares? I don't want to work for you anymore, and frankly I don't want to work for any company that allows you to continue to run people off the way you do - I'm done. And I went to my office and packed my things and left.

And now I'm scared spitless about how I'm going to pay my bills, what I'm going to do about health insurance, and a thousand other things. But I'm also so completely at peace I can't explain it. And it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it also feels like such the right move.

2008-06-26T18:17:00.002-05:00

When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered.

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words.

The past is finished. There is nothing to be gained by going over it. Whatever it gave us in the experiences it brought us was something we had to know.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Having no friends really sucks.

2008-05-31T13:21:00.003-05:00

It totally sucks to not have any friends. Every time I think I've found a friend, something gets in the way - usually me in one way or another. The most recent thing, I thought I'd met someone who could become a really, really good friend in someone who works for me. Wrong. The moment I tried to help her out by giving her a heads' up about something, she turned on me. Sigh.

I spent so many years of my life worrying only about David and our girls, I've totally lost the ability to be a friend. I have lots of 'acquaintances', but when you're going through the kind of stuff I am going through in my life right now, an acquaintance just doesn't cut it. You really need someone that you know you can trust with anything. Problem is, every time I've trusted someone lately it has turned around and bitten me in the ass and I'm getting tired of it.

Sorry for the pity party, but I needed to get this crap out.

And now it is May again

2008-05-03T08:45:00.002-05:00

It is hard to believe that this month makes one year since my life fell apart or got on the right track, depending on how I look at it. Last year, I would have definitely been in the 'fall apart' category, but now I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track. Things have changed so drastically in my life over the last year, it is really unbelievable to me. A year ago I was 150 pounds overweight, so depressed I could barely leave the house, not working, not even thinking about going to school, living like a roommate with my husband. Today I have lost almost 70 pounds, I am working full time, going to school almost full time, being (in my opinion anyway) a pretty darn good single mother to my two teenaged daughters, getting out, making new friends, rediscovering old friendships, taking trips - in short, actually living my life. Do I miss David? Yes, I do. Do I still love David? Yes, in some ways I will always love him. You don't spend 22 years of your life with someone and then just turn off those feelings like a switch. Would I want to be married to him, or in a 'relationship' with him ever again? No, I can honestly say I would not.

My financial situation is both much worse and much better. I have FAR less income than I used to, but because I am working, and all the money I make is mine, I do what I want with it without feeling guilty or like I have to ask permission to buy something. Not that he ever expected me to ask permission, but I felt that since he was the only one working and money was so tight that it was not ok for me to buy things for myself. Well, I am never, ever going to feel that way again. Do I still have champagne tastes on a beer budget? LOL, yeah. And I don't expect that to change anytime soon either. But the fact is, whatever financial mistakes I do or don't make now, are only mine. And I have never had that in my entire 38 years. I guess the long and short of it is that for the first time ever in my whole life, I am finally, truly independent. I'm making my own money, taking care of my own home and my children when they are with me, and for the first time, taking care of ME. And figuring out who that is. True, some negative people will say that because David is paying me both child and spousal support that I am not truly financially independent. Well, you know what I say to them? F*&$ you. I gave him 22 years of my life, 18 years of marriage, 2 beautiful daughters and I followed him from state to state giving up my own fledgling career to help him build his career. I earned every freaking dime he pays me, and more that I will never see.

Photos from the trip!

2008-04-01T19:12:00.001-05:00

Spring Break 2008

What a week!

2008-03-20T02:40:00.002-05:00

The girls and I have had an absolutely fabulous time in the UK! We arrived at London Gatwick airport last Friday at 7am local time and got straight onto the train up to Edinburgh. It made for a very long day of travel - I think I calculated about 16 hours from DFW. And now I wish I had planned more time for us in Scotland because it was so very beautiful and there was more we wanted to see. We were only really able to explore Edinburgh Castle and then walk the Royal Mile. We got a late start and arrived down at Holyrood House about 5 minutes after closing so we were not able to tour that which was a huge disappointment for me. But the girls certainly enjoyed some of the more eclectic shops just off the Royal Mile, and Katie even found 'her favorite shop in the world'. We then had a quiet morning on Sunday and took our time with breakfast and getting ready to catch the train back down to London.

Because I wasn't prepared enough and didn't buy the tickets online while still in the US, we bought our train tickets on the day when we arrived here - MISTAKE. We weren't able to get reserved seats, and the train was so busy we ended up spending most of the 4 hour 50 minute journey up to Scotland in a tiny vestibule at the end of the quiet coach. I was NOT going to make that mistake again so Saturday night we went to Edinburgh Waverly station and I spent a little extra to reserve us first class train tickets for the ride back down to London on Sunday. What a difference! The train ride along the coast was just beautiful and we took loads of pictures.

Our time in London has been a blast. I'll write some much longer posts later with more details, but here is a short list of what we've seen and done: bus tour of the city, Marble Arch, Hyde Park, Big Ben and Parliament, Westminster Abbey, rode the London Eye, toured the London Dungeon (can't wait to post the picture from the ride there!) toured Shakespeare's Globe theatre, Buckingham Palace (well, we drove by on the bus - missed the changing of the guard) Trafalgar Square, St Paul's, toured the Tower of London, saw Avenue Q (great show!!!) and yesterday we took a coach tour out to Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath. I love Bath! It is the most beautiful town and I could totally live there. I'm pretty sure I can't afford it, but that is beside the point! Today the girls and I are going to take a Thames river cruise up to Greenwich and explore there for a while before heading back down the river and doing some shopping on Regent street. I have been told to prepare for 'all the shopping' my 'credit card can take'. Wow. Just in case I haven't spent enough money on this trip already?

I'll be writing much more and sharing lots of photos when we get back.

2008-02-27T06:24:00.001-06:00

Holy crow I cannot believe how busy I have become. I'm working longer hours, going to school. getting out and socializing more...things have certainly changed for me. I'm sad to see so many friends, online and IRL going through divorce as well. I'm not dating but then I'm still totally not ready for it. Wishing I could be 'that girl' who could do a one night stand and get THAT out of the way, but it will happen when it happens. Hope anyone who still reads my blog is doing well.

Online VS Real Life

2008-01-10T21:53:00.000-06:00

I think I'm going to concentrate on my Online friendships. The Real Life ones aren't really working out all that well for me.

So tired...

2008-01-09T13:38:00.000-06:00

Last night was a crappy night. I got sick, I think from my chicken salad sandwich at lunch, and spent the whole night in the bathroom. That was so not fun in any shape or form. Then of course I had to meet my boss at a new office building at 8:30 this morning and that was a joy. I was so tired I could barely get out of bed, and because I was so sick all the little blood vessels around my eyes burst and I look like some weird version of a raccoon. And since I'm working and going to school full time now, I have made the very difficult decision to give up my dogs because we are never home and it is not fair to them. So I have been trying to arrange that since early December but all my emails to the rescue have been ignored. On Monday morning I sent a semi-nasty email to the adoption coordinator who has been ignoring my emails, and copied everyone listed on the local website, including the national coordinator. So I got an angry message last night and then an angry phone call this morning while I was trying to get ready. I understand that she's ticked because I complained to the national coordinator, but if she had just replied to any of my previous emails telling me what was going on I probably would have been a lot more understanding and not sent that email. And there is stuff going on with Taylor and school - I think she's acting out because she's upset about the divorce, but she insists that isn't it. I simply don't believe her. And XH is not backing me up if I punish her even though he has said it is up to me to do what I feel is right. Then when she's at his house he doesn't follow through on the punishments I've set, even though he tells me he will. Things are starting to really drag me down, and I've got to get my life back under control soon. Sigh. Things will get better, I know that. I just am not sure I have the energy to work on it!

New Year's Eve

2008-01-01T07:05:00.000-06:00

Last night was hard, hard, hard for me. I made the mistake of checking out his Myspace (and hers) and discovered that they both have their status set as 'in a relationship'. This really threw me for a loop as I guess I have still been clinging to the hope that we would get back together. I need to really get it through my thick skull that that will not be happening, and I need to move on. I need to stop looking at their Myspaces, stop checking his profile on Match and basically just pretend he doesn't exist except as it concerns our children. I originally had no plans for last night, and then suddenly I had three different offers. Then, one by one those offers fell through. The first offer fell through because the hostess fell sick and they cancelled. The next offer was probably never a real firm offer to begin with because I'm pretty sure that the offer was extended out of pity, and by someone who I'm sure is sick of listening to me whine about my ex. The final offer was for something I probably would not ever really have done to begin with - going to a huge country nightclub for the night. I've never been a big New Year's eve partier to begin with - too many drunks on the road, and this year was no exception. My DD1 was kind of bummed because all the friends she invited over to her dad's crapped out on her with the exception of one girl. DD2 made last minute plans to go to a friend's so I had to chauffer her around anyway. When I wasn't talking to the girls or a friend on the phone, I was pretty much sleeping on the couch or crying. DD2 said that there is a saying that the way you spend New Year's Eve is the way you'll spend the year. Kinda hope not since I spent the night alone and in tears...

2008

2007-12-27T06:53:00.000-06:00

In 2008 I will:

Be single for the entire calendar year for the first time in more than 20 years - and LOVE it.

Continue my education, and continue working toward my degree so I can build a better life for me.

Continue my weight loss journey - don't know what the end goal is, but I know I'm going to get there.

Continue my emotional recovery from co-dependence, depression and anxiety.

Keep learning to be a great mom to my daughters - I've wasted enough of our lives taking a backseat to their dad. This is MY year.

Learn to be true to the one person in my life I can really count on - ME.

Learn to love that same person as above, because only when I love myself will I truly be able to love another.

Really, truly and completely let go of David. He has already let go of me, I need to do the same.

Reconnect with more of my old friends, make new friends and work to BE a better friend.

Find out what makes me tick, and what I really want out of life. Then work toward fulfilling those goals.

These aren't so much New Year's resolutions as they are promises to myself that I intend to keep. Happy New Year everyone!

I don't know what he is doing

2007-12-09T21:14:00.001-06:00

According to K, she and D are not getting along really great right now. She says he has been going 'out' and being really secretive, and tonight seemed like it really upset her. He said he told her that he wouldn't be home to have dinner with her; she remembers only that he said he wouldn't be home when she got home from getting her hair done. He apparently won't tell her where he is or what he is doing - he will only say that he is 'out'. And it seems to be getting to her. She says that she talked to him, and told him she would really prefer he just say that he doesn't want to tell her where he is rather than being secretive, but she thinks he doesn't care. My guess is that he is seeing someone, or someones, and doesn't want to tell her. I don't know if it is because he doesn't want to upset her, or if he wants to make sure it doesn't get back to me. Personally, I don't really care all that much. Yes, if truth be told, there is a part of me that is still holding onto the hope that we could get back together, and I am extremely jealous at the thought of him dating. But I'm also being realistic, and I know that he isn't coming back to me. And frankly, the more I see of his behavior lately, the less I want that. He is truly turning into a person I don't know, and don't like very much. He is very short with me, always accusing me of acting angry about stuff, always accusing me of being on the defensive when in reality, it seems to me that he is the one on the defensive. And for someone who always told me that the source of his anger was me and our marriage, and that is what he was taking out on the girls; he is still very angry and very short with them all the time. And given that it is over, I don't see how our marriage could still be the source of all that anger. Unfortunately for him, he is irreparably damaging his relationships with his daughters, or at least with K. And I am done trying to be the middle ground between them. I am not going to get involved. He and I are no longer a married couple and I will not involve myself in his relationships with our daughters as I would expect he would not involve himself in my relationships with them. If he is not careful, she is going to get fed up with being treated like she is not important to him, and she will move back in with me full time. Unless of course that is exactly his plan...then he won't care will he?

Really? Are you kidding me?

2007-11-27T07:45:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure my year could get much worse at this point. First my husband leaves, then my grandfather dies, then my grandmother's favorite cousin dies, my divorce is final, I spend my first Thanksgiving with no family in my whole life, and then last night as I was leaving Algebra class my brother called to tell me my father is dead. What's next? Really? I know they say God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle, but seriously. I don't know just how much more I can take.

First turkey day without my family

2007-11-22T06:58:00.001-06:00

This one promises to be a tough day. XH has the girls today, even though he isn't doing anything with them except maybe eating dinner at Denny's. I've been invited to a friend's house for dinner, just the two of us. Her xh also has her children and her new boyfriend is out of the country with his family. We are getting a turkey dinner from the market, adding our own sides and I am making a chocolate pecan pie and bringing a couple bottles of wine and some movies. We are going to eat and watch movies and enjoy the day together. I am sad that I will not be with my girls for Thanksgiving for the first time in their entire lives, feeling a little bitchy that HE gets them the first big holiday after our divorce, but that's the way the cookie crumbles at this point. I will have them with me for Christmas Eve and morning, and then they'll go to his house at around noon or 1pm so it's sort of fair.

Despite my sadness at not being with family for the first Thanksgiving in my entire 38 years of life, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have a good job, beautiful, healthy children, I'm healthy and getting healthier, a very painful and toxic relationship is over and I get to move on and make a new start, I have good friends who love, understand and support me, I am making new friends all the time, I am able to go to school to help get a better job in the future, I have a beautiful house which I am slowly turning into MY home, I have a car, my bills are paid on time and for the first time in my life, I get to rely on me to take care of myself. Hard as that last one is, I am actually thankful for the opportunity to show myself what I am capable of. I am looking forward to the next year, and all the years to come in my life - really, really looking forward to them for the first time. I realized yesterday while looking at some different jobs on the SHRM website that once T graduates high school and I start looking for a new job, I can actually look for a job anywhere in the country. I will be ready to make a fresh start, and I may just choose to find the right job and follow where it takes me. That is really exciting to me!

I can't believe how slack I have been with blogging!

2007-11-11T10:13:00.000-06:00

I guess my main excuse is that I am really busy! Working full time, going to school full time, trying to be a good mom and good friend are all taking their toll on me. I still love my job and it is going really well. School is going good, I have a LOT of homework to get done, so housework often takes a backseat which I know XH likes to throw in my face. But I am managing to get mostly A's with like one or two B's so I am pretty proud of me. And it's not like the house is disgusting or anything. Just very cluttered and lived-in looking. The funny thing is he has been trying to make it sound like he is doing such a better job of parenting than I am - complaining about the amount of fast food trash I was taking out one day when he was here. Well, the truth of the matter is that most of that food trash was mine - the girls have been eating fairly ok when they're here with me. And this all came to a head the other day when I called to find out they were eating at Chili's - again. Really? Chili's is suddenly all that healthy? I must have missed that memo. Granted, I'm not doing a whole lot better with food, but I expect that to get better after this semester is over and I'm home more at night to cook. My plan is next semester to again take 5 classes - 2 in person and 3 online again. Only next term, the two in person will be on the weekends so they won't take quite as much time. The Saturday class is from 8am - 12pm and the girls aren't even usually awake before noon on Saturdays anyway! And Sunday will be from 1-4pm so that shouldn't hurt too much either.

In any event, I really only need to worry about being home for T because K has decided to live with her dad full time and only visit with me. And let me tell you, that hurts like hell. I understand that going back and forth each week was hard on her, but I was surprised and hurt when she decided to live with D instead of me. I think she is trying to make things 'fair' since T lives mostly with me, but it doesn't feel fair. I guess this is one area where I really want to be selfish, especially since K is going to be graduating in 2 years. So now the arrangement is that T lives with me, sees D every M-W nights while I'm at school, and then spends 2 weekends a month with him. And K lives with D, sees me Thursday nights and spends the last week of each month with me. It sucks hard, but since we agreed that the girls would choose their own custody arrangements, I can't really say anything.

Other than that, we are getting along pretty good. He moved into his new townhouse this weekend, and came by here to get our extra fridge and the formal dining room table which I offered to him because I wanted to get a new one. He is also slowly getting all his and K's boxes of stuff out of my garage. The thing that sucks for him is that his apartment complex rented his apartment already and asked him to move out about two weeks earlier than he had planned. And in his nice guy way he agreed, and put himself in a bind because now he's had to move in before he got all the work he was doing on the townhouse done. So K will actually be with me for the next week or so at least while he gets her room finished with paint, new carpet and her furniture. Believe you me, I am not complaining. I miss K alot, and any time I can have her stay here with me I'm happy about it. I'm getting ready to do a lot of re-painting of rooms around my house in an attempt to make it 'mine' instead of 'ours'. A good friend made this suggestion, and I'm going with it. It's hard to get started though, because that means admitting to myself that it really, truly is 100% over. And that is still a tough thing for me to do. Even though it is all for the best, and I really do feel that way, it still hurts. I feel like a failure for not making my marriage work. Especially when I was married to someone who loved me so very much at one point, and if I had put forth some effort during the time I needed to, this thing might have been salvageable. Sigh.

It's all over

2007-10-06T16:01:00.000-05:00

Well, my divorce became final on Thursday, October 4, 2007. Not entirely coincidentally, it was also D's 39th birthday. My attorney gave me the option of rescheduling and I refused to. He wanted to divorce me, so I gave him the best birthday present I could think of.

Long time, no type...

2007-09-19T08:13:00.000-05:00

Wow, has it really been since the end of August since I last wrote in my blog? Good gracious! Well, I have lost another family member, another one that I only sort of knew - she was a second cousin or something of my grandmother's. The service is this Friday in Houston, but I don't think I can go. I'm still too new, and she isn't a close enough relative that I would qualify for bereavement leave from work.

Last Thursday and Friday I traveled to Houston on business for some training. I got to meet one of the virtual recruiters that I support and hang out with him, and we had a blast - he's crazy! I didn't really learn very much because I've been using the system for over a month now and I caught on to it pretty quickly. I caught a 6:30 am flight which meant I had to wake up at 3am to get to the airport - that made me very sleepy. And the combination of already knowing most of the stuff she was teaching and being so sleepy made for a lot of nodding off. I felt bad, and apologized to her later.

Over the weekend I had a lot of homework to catch up on, and a lot of housecleaning. Guess which one got done? Not the housecleaning! So hopefully this weekend the girls and I can work together to get the house back in shape. Not that it's awful - just dishes needing put in the dishwasher and some clutter in the family room on the table. But we were doing a lot better and we'd all like to get back to that. This weekend I have some more homework - lots of Algebra and some Government work too. And a Government test.

Work is going great - I really, truly love my job! For the first time in years I have managed to get through the entire first month without calling in. I think part of the reason I missed so much work in my jobs before was a combination of being so unhappy in general, and then not liking the job. But this job is great - for someone who is doing recruiting support, I have already managed to get two hires - woohoo me!

Well, gotta go, gotta get the girls to school and me to work. Type to you later readers!

The end of an era

2007-08-29T21:28:00.000-05:00

Well, tonight marks a major passage in my life - all of my grandparents are now gone from this earth.

Goodnight Grandpa...

School is starting out good

2007-08-28T08:09:00.000-05:00

I got all the online class information over the weekend, and last night was the first night of Math. I think I'm going to be really glad that I did not take this math class over the internet. I'm just not a math person, and it is hard for me. And since I'm a very even learner - I learn best with both audio and visual prompts, I think an actual class will be the best for me. The instructor was pretty cool, and apparently a lot of people in the class have had him before. It's been almost 10 years since I took any math, so I've got my work cut out for me. Tonight is my honors English class with the same instructor I had many moons ago for the 1301 class. I am very excited because she is a very dynamic teacher, and I look forward to a great class with her.

Hope everyone else had a great first day of school!

Last hurrah

2007-08-25T06:58:00.000-05:00

Today is the last Saturday before the girls and I start back to school on 8/27. We are spending the day the way only girls can - shopping and doing girly things. I promised each of them that I would pay for a manicure and waxing (lips and eyebrows) for each of them before school started. They are also aware that if they want to keep it up after school starts, they have to find a way to pay for it themselves. I am looking forward to the day, it should be fun. And this after we had a fun movie night last night. We rented Wild Hogs and some other fun movies and just had a girls' night in. We only got through Wild Hogs before we went outside and talked with our neighbor for about an hour and a half though. Then we came back inside and I tried to watch Eulogy, but fell asleep a couple times. Oh well. We have the other movies for a couple days more so we can watch the rest this weekend when we have time. It was a nice night, and the girls and I love talking to our neighbor. He's a great guy, and is always watching out for the three of us since he knows D doesn't live here anymore. He's going to give me the name of the folks that do their lawn which is good, because even though I just paid $118 to have my lawn mower serviced, I'm not sure I really want to do the lawn myself.

The job is still going great - I just love my job and the people I work with. In fact, I made a comment yesterday that I couldn't believe I've only been there two weeks because it feels more like two years, but in a good way. My boss commented that he knew just what I meant, because it felt the same way to him. I'm having a good time at work and love, love, loving it! I don't know if I'll be able to write again before I start classes Monday night, so wish me luck as I return to school!

Never in all my 15 years...

2007-08-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

had I seen anything so bizarre. The guy Jen had brought to have lunch with us in the library was putting Frito's in his Suzy Q's. And now, 22 years later, that guy is divorcing me. Maybe if I had tried Frito's in my Suzy Q's...

Going good...

2007-08-14T18:21:00.000-05:00

I know some of you are wondering how things are going for me, so I'll just post a quick update. Don't want to be too positive about it...last time I did that, the universe snatched it back from me! But so far, so great. I really like the people I'm working with, I'm catching on quickly to the work and my boss is very impressed because apparently I'm much, much better than the person I'm replacing, and I am very happy. Not especially crazed with the pay dates that fall on the 15th and end of the month, but I guess they'll do. :)

That 'other thing' that is happening in my life looks like it may be resolved and finalized sometime in September or October, and that makes me happy. Yes, I am still devastated and sad, but at the very same time I am so excited to be on my own and doing my own thing. D has moved on in so many ways, and I am proud to say that I am doing the same thing. I'm not ready to start dating again or anything like that, but I'm feeling pretty darn good about where I am at right now. Still continuing to lose weight, the new job, spending time with good friends and making new ones, and I start school on the 27th. I can't say that things couldn't be better, but they are pretty darn good at this point.

Thanks for reading!!!

Houston, we have a job...

2007-08-09T17:47:00.000-05:00

I got the hire packet via Fed Ex today, after accepting a verbal offer yesterday over the phone. The pay is $2.00 an hour more than I made at my last job, back in the staffing industry and I am very excited! I went earlier and took my drug test, and sent back the Fed Ex package with my completed forms. I start on Monday and I am sooooo looking forward to it! The benefits are good, and will start October 1; 401(k) will be available after one year. I am very, very excited and I feel like this is the job I was meant to have. I didn't even apply for it; the manager found my resume on Monster with some keywords that are things he really needs to make his plans for the department to work, so it sounds like I will be part of some very exciting changes in the coming months. Happy dance with me!!

2007-08-07T19:22:00.001-05:00

I finally heard from the one lady I interviewed with last week - she hired someone else. They apparently had industry experience where I didn't and since her office is new, she felt she needed that. But it's ok because I think (at least I'm pretty sure) that I have a job and I'll be starting next week. I just need to get all the paperwork and drug testing done this week, and we're hoping I can start on Monday. It is going to start out as a payroll/admin position, and hopefully morph into something more specialized later on. Either way it's with a great company, in an industry I wanted to get back into and the office is close to home and to my old work so I can lunch with friends. Woohoo!

Slow weekend

2007-08-04T18:25:00.000-05:00

Well, Friday night was a bust. I had plans with a friend to go out to a bar...then realized that my other friend we were going to meet up with was out of town. So we decided to go out for dinner and a movie. Then I paid bills. And suggested she come over to my place for pizza and a movie here. Then she got into a long conversation with her hubby, and some missed cues/mistaken actions later, it was decided that she wouldn't come over after all.

Today has been slow too. A lot of time on the computer, too much time watching TV, an hour and a half at the gym getting my butt kicked by my trainer, about an hour at the mall with eldest daughter and no breakfast. I'll be having leftover pizza for dinner later tonight and probably reading the latest Harry Potter since I haven't started it yet.

Tomorrow morning the girls and I are going to try a new to us church. We are currently discussing which service to attend - youngest daughter and I want to go to the 8:30 service; eldest wants to go to the 11:15. We'll see who wins. Then later tomorrow afternoon both daughters come over to spend the next week with me. Job interview lined up for Monday morning, really hoping it goes well. I never heard back on the job I was supposed to hear about on Friday. Which wouldn't bother me if the woman hadn't specified that I would hear something either way by close of business Friday. Sigh.

Snatched from Terri...

2007-08-02T15:45:00.000-05:00

You get to answer with one word.

Where is your Cellphone? - car
Relationship? - separated
Your Hair? - brown
Work? - no
Your sister? - none
Your favorite thing? - daughters
Your dream last night? - none
Your favorite drink? - lemonade
Your dream car? - audi
The room you’re in? - office
Your shoes? - none
Your fears? - divorced
What do you want to be in 10 years? - self-sufficient (ok, I cheated)
Who did you hang out with this weekend? - daughter
What are you not good at? - math
Muffin? - lemon
One of your wish list items? - furniture
Where you grew up? - Arizona
Last thing you did? - monster.com
What are you wearing? - blue
What aren’t you wearing? - shoes
Your pet? - spoiled
Your computer? - laptop
Your life? - chaotic
Your mood? - tired
Missing? - grandfather
What are you thinking about right now? - divorce
Your car? - honda
Your kitchen? - red
Your summer? - wet
Your favorite color? - green
Last time you laughed? - May
Last time you cried? - August
School? - soon
Love? - no

Long time, no post

2007-08-02T15:32:00.000-05:00

Due to the fan in my laptop going out on Saturday morning, I haven't been able to blog for almost a week now. Got the new fan in today, and I'm back!

Lots to catch up on:
I'm going back to school. Registered last week at the local community college; taking 5 classes for 14 hours this semester, and plan to keep up that pace as long as I can. Three of the classes are online - including PE!! and a course on MS Office software - which should both be a breeze. Youngest daughter and I went to pick up my books today, and I have already started reading the Govt book - yes, I am a nerd.

My health continues to improve as I continue to lose weight, though due to headaches which I recognize as being from not taking my high blood pressure meds, I have started back on my meds. Will confirm with the doc tomorrow, but I think it's probably best. I know it will go away for good once I lose the extra weight. Had a great workout yesterday with my trainer, and youngest daughter went with and ran for an hour on the treadmill. I think as soon as I can get a job and get started with some $$ coming in, I will be able to let her join the gym with me.

Had two fairly promising interviews this week, one of which I should hear about tomorrow and the other next week. Hopefully one of them will work out - I am really hoping for one of them to come through because it is something I would LOVE doing. Fingers crossed everyone.

Both DD's are much happier with their dad as he has decided to put his new relationship on hold, at least for the time being. He finally realized what a wedge he was driving between himself and the girls, and stopped listening to his little head. I couldn't be happier - not because I really care about his relationship (I do want him to be happy), but because of what it was doing to the girls and his relationship with them. They are just getting used to the idea of their mom and dad not being together anymore - it was a little early for them to try to deal with another woman in their dad's life. They'll be ready eventually, and hopefully he can wait until then; or at the very least, not thrust it in their faces all the time.

Well, that's about it for now.

Still truckin along

2007-07-23T13:21:00.000-05:00

The girls got home from CO last night, and D and I promptly had a huge fight over the amount of time he spent on the phone with his new girlfriend. This was all the girls could talk about when they got home - no talk of the fun they had or the things they did. Just dad spent the whole time on the phone with R. So I let him have it. And finally got eldest daughter and her dad to actually TALK about eldest daughter's feelings about him dating and the new girlfriend specifically. I don't know whether anything got resolved or not - I think eldest daughter wants him to make a choice but is afraid to ask him to for fear he might not choose her. Sigh.

The job hunt continues; more or less unsuccessfully which is frustrating. I am hoping to have some interviews this week, but time will tell.

On the health front - I have been officially taken off my high blood pressure and asthma meds by my doctor. I have lost about 30 pounds, my pressure is the lowest it's ever been since I've been seeing this doc and my asthma is non-existent. He feels that it was all stress-related, which means that pretty much, my marriage was killing me. I'm feeling great, going to the gym, eating ok - not great food, but not too much of anything either. I do have times when I miss D, but mostly just him as a friend. I'm not anywhere near ready to even think about dating, but one of my girlfriends is constantly trying to get me to think about it. NOT READY.

The Universe giveth...the universe taketh away

2007-07-19T12:43:00.000-05:00

Well, so much for my great job. I asked today about some additional training, and was told that since I was having problems 'at this point' that I wasn't going to be a good fit. And I was asked to leave. Sigh. My financial situation is starting to get very, very serious.

San Antonio was a blast! (And more good news!)

2007-07-16T13:13:00.000-05:00

The girls and I had a wonderful time this weekend in San Antonio. We left early, though not as early as I would have liked on Saturday morning, and listened to some great cd's we had burned on the way down. Found out my daughters like .38 Special and Loggins & Messina almost as much as I do...but I digress. We got to Sea World at about 1:30 or so, and found a place to enjoy lunch. It was unbelievably hot and humid, eldest daughter was having trouble breathing and everyone was miserable so we pretty much left after the girls rode the roller coasters. We headed into downtown to find our hotel on the Riverwalk. Trying to get into the hotel to valet park was a nightmare, and took us nearly 45 minutes, but we finally got in and got checked in, so we headed up to the room to cool off and rest for a while. Finally around 6pm or so, we got up and headed out to enjoy the Riverwalk. We walked around doing a little window shopping for a while, then stopped for some dinner. Youngest daughter and I really wanted Mexican food (hello, we're in San Antonio!), but eldest daughter really did not so we had Italian. Not the best alfredo I've ever had, and the portion was ginormous and we couldn't really take the leftovers with us. Eldest daughter and I should probably have split an order, but how were we to know? After dinner, we walked around some more and did a little shopping shopping. I got a cute shot glass for a souveneir, and we went back to the hotel around 9:30 or so. We watched a movie, Georgia Rule, and then went to sleep. Breakfast was delivered to the room at about 8:15 because we wanted to get an early start so we could go to the Alamo. But it turned out the Alamo opens later on Sundays, and the other place we wanted to visit was going to be about $50 for each of us for the things we wanted to do. (Natural Bridge Caverns) So we decided to mosey our way back to Dallas on back roads and see little interesting towns and things off the beaten path. We picked up a road map at a gas station, and headed out. We went through San Marcos, Wimberley, Dripping Springs, and too many other small places to mention. We enjoyed sight seeing and doing some more window shopping in Wimberley, and just took our time on the way back. But not too much time as eldest daughter had to be back by 6pm for a meeting of her youth group from camp. All in all, it was a great weekend. And I will miss them like crazy when they leave tomorrow for a week in Colorado with their dad.

HOWEVER, I will have something to help keep my mind off it, because I was offered a job today! I had my first interview with this company last Thursday, and a 2nd interview/typing test today, and I was offered the position at the end. I am so very excited!! It is a small office of about 57 people, the pay is what I need with the chance to grow, it is work I know I can do and will enjoy as well, and the people and environment are really great. I am totally jazzed! And I start tomorrow!!!

The Road Trip has been shortened...

2007-07-12T17:43:00.001-05:00

Well, for all our grand plans for our road trip, they have been severely modified. Unfortunately money is just too big an issue right now. So we are going to take a weekend trip to San Antonio, just us 3 girls. We're staying in a nice hotel on the Riverwalk, plan to see the Alamo and we're going to spend a day at Sea World. It should be loads of fun.

Oh, and I had a really good job interview today - fingers crossed!

It's been a few days

2007-07-08T10:38:00.000-05:00

Sorry about that. I've had a couple really bad days emotionally, but I think alot of that has to do with eldest daughter being gone. Although I did come to a realization the other day - I think alot of my good attitude lately has been fake it til you make, and I haven't made it yet. It hit me really hard in the shower on Friday that David really is NOT coming home again - ever. That was tough, I think somewhere in the back of my mind I'd been sure that he would come home at some point. But he's not. And that makes me so sad. I miss the way he used to always be able to make me laugh, I miss talking to him, about anything and everything. I miss the way he used to tuck me into bed at night, with a kiss and an I love you. And it breaks my heart to know that he will never do those things again, not with me anyway. It hurts to know that I will never kiss him again, never be able to give him a hug, never be able to tell him I love him, never wake up next to him in the morning, never spend the rest of my life with him like we'd planned, never take all the trips we'd planned, never build our house together and so many other things we had planned to do. And it hurts all the more to know that while I miss those things - he doesn't.

Hope your 4th was good

2007-07-05T06:56:00.000-05:00

Mine was very quiet, and relaxing. Which was good, because the night before I went out with a friend to a very smoky bar and drank more than I have in 3 years. And I barely felt it. It is very strange, and I don't understand it, but it seems like my body is handling things so much better now that David and I are over. My asthma appears to be completely non-existent, supported by the fact the I spent over 5 1/2 hours in a smoky bar and didn't have any trouble breathing at all. And by the time I left, I wasn't even tipsy despite having two Vodka Collins and a Yaeger (sp?) bomb and 3/4 of a vodka and Red Bull. It was weird.

Even though I didn't have any breathing trouble, I did get a nice headache and sore throat from all the smoke. And youngest daughter was with her dad for the 4th, eldest daughter is still at camp, so I just hung out here at the house and enjoyed the quiet day by watching a Project Runway marathon on Bravo. Then today I was up at 4:30 to get to the gym by 5 for my training session. Since it was the first one, it was a lot of measuring (I like MY scale a lot better!) and paperwork. I did put in about 15 minutes on the bike though. I probably could have gone longer, but my knee was starting to hurt.

Anyway, I'm about to jump in the shower before D comes over - we have to go to the county tax office and get my car retitled into my name only. Then I have a job interview this morning, a therapy appointment this afternoon, and an assessment session tonight for another job. If I do well on the assessment, I'll have an interview soon. Fingers crossed for me please!

And still the job hunt continues...

2007-07-03T08:27:00.000-05:00

completely fruitlessly. I thought I had a real chance at that City of Richardson job, so I was very disappointed not to be one of the finalists. I've also come to realize that a staffing agency that I thought was interested in hiring me as a recruiter is apparently not so interested. I'm still applying for everything I am qualified for that I can find on Monster, Careerbuilder and Hot Jobs, but so far nothing has panned out. I applied for another Richardson city job - finger crosses that I can get an interview at least on that one.

I went to a Divorcecare meeting last night. The video at the beginning was very churchy and preachy, and that was hard for me. I just substituted 'universe' or 'karma' everytime they said 'god' or 'jesus' and it helped. The support group after was better, and it was nice to know that even other women who have good jobs are sort of in the same boat I am emotionally. I think I will probably go again, but I'll have to ask D to take eldest daughter to her therapy appointments on Mondays if I do.

Today should be kind of a chill day around here - the contractor is coming to keep working (I hope) and I'm working to get the house arranged the way I want it now. Lots of furniture moving and cleaning to be done, especially since the painter my contractor used did not do the greatest job ever of cleaning up after himself. But at least it keeps me busy, right?

In case you were wondering...

2007-07-01T12:04:00.000-05:00

Here are the lyrics to "Over You" by Daughtry:

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
Now I'm picking up the pieces.
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
Now I'm picking up the pieces.
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
Now I'm picking up the pieces.
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

What a day!

2007-06-30T19:38:00.000-05:00

Today has been an energizing and energetic, fun and funny kind of day. We went to brunch with my friend Dana and had a great time. Then I made the decision to NOT sell the house after all. I figured that I'm going to have to live with memories of me and D no matter where I live, so why not stay here in the house and build up some equity for the next four years? Plus, the house payment is only about $250 more than the rent on the apartment I was looking at. So we're staying put. But I've already started re-arranging and re-decorating. I'm going to continue with the work the contractors were doing to get it ready for market, and I'm even adding having them paint the front door and the outside shutters. After brunch, the girls and I went shopping for new bedroom furniture for me. I didn't spend too much, but didn't get heirloom quality furniture either so it's a trade-off. At least I will have my own bed that D and I have not slept together in, and that is what was most important for me. And I am trying not to spend too much money before I get a job. And I have promised myself that I will NOT get into debt. Except to my grandpa, who I have promised I will pay back every cent he loaned me to pay for the lawyer and to get the house ready for sale. We never did make it to the movie, but that will be just one more thing that we can do on our road trip!

Friday wrap up

2007-06-30T07:29:00.000-05:00

Well, first of all, Thursday never got much better, but it didn't get any worse either so that was a good thing. I'm still having good days and bad days trying to deal with this whole divorce thing. There are some days I want him to come home, and then I remember all the things about him that I didn't like, and the things about myself that he contributed to that I don't like, and then I don't want him to come home. Which is good, because he isn't ever going to. Our marriage is truly 100% over. And it is probably the best thing he has done for me in the 23 years I have known him. As a good friend pointed out to me last night on the phone, D was an enabler; and all these years he has been enabling me to not grow and become what I wanted to be, and ironically, what he wanted me to be. It really IS kind of ironic when you think about it. All these years he has told me that all he wanted from me was to be his partner in the marriage, yet at the same time, his enabling behavior allowed me to not grow and be his partner. Enough of this talk.

Friday was a pretty good day. I started off driving older daughter and her friends out to Arlington where they spent the day at Six Flags. Traffic on the way back was a mess for about 30 minutes, but it was ok. I sat in traffic listening to my Daughtry cd with my car radio up about as loud as it would go, singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in my seat. Cracked up the guy in the semi behind me too. And then once I got free of the traffic, all of the above was combined with driving really fast on the open freeway and that felt great. Of course, by the time I got home, I could barely hear out of my right ear...didn't realize my car stereo went that loud. And the funny thing is, D called while I was in the car (I had called earlier to see if he knew how I could miss that traffic) and I didn't hear the phone - most likely because 'Over You' by Daughtry is my ringer for him, and I was listening to that song a lot.

Later Friday afternoon, after doing some work around the house and some job searching on Monster, I went to a massage. Only my 2nd massage ever in my life, and it felt great. I think I'm going to try to get one a month, or maybe every other month. It really felt fabulous, and helped release a lot of the stress I've been feeling. The only really bad thing that happened yesterday was that I did not get a phone call I'd been hoping for from the City of Richardson about a job. That was a big disappointment, but I'm not giving up. I've got to get a job, and I'm going to keep on Monstering, Careerbuilding, and searching websites of companies I know I'd like to work at. I'm also networking with some parents' from the girls' school, and hopefully something will work out soon. If not, I have promised myself and a good friend that if I don't have the job I want by the time the girls and I get back from our road trip, that I will look into retail or something like that, just to have a job. It certainly isn't my ideal, and I do feel massively over-qualified, but I have to work, and if that is the kind of job I have to take...then I'll do it. In the meantime, on Monday I'm going to check out a local bartending school. Bartending is actually something I used to think I would be pretty good at, but I never really let myself look into it because I felt like D would disapprove. Well, now I don't really care whether he would approve or not - bartenders can make pretty decent money, and I'm going to check it out. If I decide to go, I'm not 100% certain how will I pay for it ($595), but they do offer job placement after the course so that would sure help. And the girls are old enough I think they could handle me working nights if that is what I end up doing.

Today is going to be another busy day around here. I have lots to do to get the house back in order from the contractors being here getting the house ready for market. So I'll be working on that a lot, but I'm also going to take time out and the girls and I are going to brunch with friend, and then we're also going to go see Ratatoullie (I know I spelled that wrong...) and tonight another friend (also divorced) is going to come over and we're just going to chill and have a nice talk. I've found out through my networking that a LOT of my girls' friends' parents are divorce, and I am making some new friends. I hate what we have in common, but it is nice to have friends that aren't going to desert me just because D and I are splitting. Especially since it appears he is going to get 'custody' of most, if not all, of our 'couple friends'. Which really makes me sad because there are a couple of people I will really miss.

And then later tonight, eldest daughter leaves to go to camp for a week. I will miss her like crazy, but at least I know that when she gets back next weekend, we're leaving for our road trip. Unless I get a job between now and then...and then we'll just make it a weekend trip the following weekend. Ok, this has been a long enough entry - thanks for reading!

Ack!

2007-06-28T10:33:00.000-05:00

Well, today is not starting out particularly great. I logged onto our joint checking account to see if the water payment had come out, so we could close the account, and found out we had a negative balance. Apparently, even though we have had this account for almost 12 years, and have always used our debit cards on the internet with no fraud whatsoever, the universe has decided to throw another wrench our way. We had fraudulent charges on the account. So now we have opened a fraud claim with the bank - and this delays our closing the account. Grrrrr!! I was looking forward to being able to sever yet another link between us, but no such luck for now.

Sigh. Oh well, the day can start out not good, but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way, right? I'm off to wake up my eldest so we can get her room put back together now that the contractors are done painting it. It is kind of sad though, her room used to be such a gorgeous Tweety-bird yellow, and now it is a boring antique white. Better for selling the house I guess. :(

First post on my new blog

2007-06-27T22:00:00.000-05:00

Well, if you've found your way here, you must be a friend. And if you're a friend, you know my marriage has ended and I am starting on my journey to find a happier, healthier, self-sufficient new me. And I hope you'll join me...

I'll be working on my template, changing and adding things as I go along. But mostly this will be another place besides my handwritten journal where I can post about the new road I am going down.